I was feeling impotent and out of control, which I really hate.

I've never been much of an adult journaler, and not for lack of desire, just lack of...what the heck do I write?!? Every time I'd sit down to try, it would always feel like I went back to my 12-year-old self, pouring emo stories of tween heartache in a diary with peace signs, yin yangs, and GIRL POWER scrawled all over the front. 

 

Dear Diary, Im 36 years old, what the shit am I supposed to be journaling about??!

 

Then i got a planner. Im super picky about my planners and notebooks, and when I finally found one that fit my needs, I found myself writing little blurbs of inspiration or life lessons, quotes that I'd found, song lyrics, and probs still some Girl Power here and there. 

This week (month?! year?!? Geez 2020) has been a hard one. August is always kind of a shit show in our household.  An uncomfortably hot month (for 2 people that really dont like being hot) riddled with anniversaries of the deaths of our loved ones.  Every August I "randomly" become a hot, hot mess and can't figure it out until...I do. The death thing creates an emotional spiral that's hard to release from...and so it spirals. 

I began this week knowing that i was behind (shocker) on my drop, which I had been ahead of schedule the week before when the shit storm hit, so it was already a feeling of SHIT, GET TO WORK, like nowish.  I was also questioning my creativity again, the amount of growth I was (or in this case, wasn't) experiencing, and feeling stagnant. Or as Cher from the best movie ever says "I was feeling impotent and out of control, which I really hate".  Why the hell didn't i have more followers? Why were people making earrings that looked like mine, yet I couldn't get past a certain point on freakin Instagram?!? How did all these makers who started around the same time as me have 2x the amount of followers??? Why is the camera I ordered taking YEARS to get here?! IF I could just get a new camera, and if i could just get finished designing the custom earring holders I was working on, then I could have better photos and THEN i'd be where I wanted to be! IF the damn branded shirts I was trying to order had stock in the damn colors I wanted, THEN things could be moving along. 

Insert eye roll here. 

I was also working on designing a beer label for a collab I'm doing with the brewery I work at, which doing their design work and art direction used to be my job, but this time it was for...me, for my brand, but melded with theirs. Easy, right? I mean, my own brand melded with a place I helped brand for 4 years, should be just fine. 

I started spiraling...again. What if they hated the label I was doing? I mean, he said he liked it, but it was probably a lie. People were probably talking about how bad I was at design behind my back and regretting ever allowing me to do a label again, thank god she doesnt do this job anymore! Look at how horrible she is.  Pair all these drastic, self deprecating thoughts with a bout of creative block, all the aforementioned mini-melodramas, and BAM.  Shit storm city. 

Oh yeah, the world's a fucking mess too, which really doesn't help. 

I hit a few breaking points.  I did a giveaway on IG and lost a follower within the first hour, HAHA, which is literally the opposite of what it was supposed to "achieve". (It went fine after that, it also doesn't matter, was just a funny little dollop of icing on the cake). 

During this ^  breaking point I reached out to a clay group I'm a part of (31 Chums, what up, what up!) where I sort of was like "HELP, HELP, HELP ME not think that I suck and that Instagram is the end all be all of measuring success"! It was like as soon as I put it out into the world, and did something I don't necessarily normally do (ask for help), the world was like, OK, we will give you a little break. 

Inspiration for the beer label came, and so did some confidence.  I made some earrings that I'm really proud of, and rather than looking at some of my hurdles as burdens, I chose to look at them as opportunities. And...the camera is on it's way and so are the shirts. It's fine, it's all fine. 

This is where the journaling comes in, I was having all these little bursts of awakening happen within myself and for maybe the first time, I was like..." I should write this shit down".  

I haven't had a chance to write it in my planner, so I'll put it here first, and go back and write it down along with some other feels and lessons, but here we go:

 

Be gratefull for your opportunities

Just because it's an opportunity doesn't mean it will be easy. 

And just because it's not easy, doesn't mean it's not worth it. 

Treat it like an opportunity, not a burden.

Don't get discouraged, just be thankful that the opportunity is there, and do the work.

Do your best.  Give it your all. Do what you want to do, with your best efforts, and if it's not received well, at least you put exactly what you wanted to forth. 

Everything is impermanent, this feeling is valid, but it doesn't mean it's real.  The hardships will pass, you will be ok. 

GIRL POWER. 

 

Anyway, while I'm certainly going through some stuff, I choose to be thankful for this whole journey.  I choose to believe in my vision, even if it's not for everyone, it's for me. 

 

Thanks for listening.